Monday, August 06, 2007
It's amazing how you bond with people and get so close than get totally disappointed by them. This is the Third time i am experiencing this shit. So freaking stupid that i nv learned from my mistakes. People tell me that my poems and songs are full of negative feelings but somehow that is all the is left of me. My only blessing is that i found supportive friends and a wonderful Boyfriend. I have a roof over my fucking head and my family is fairly there for me.
In other aspects of work and studies i have been a total failure. Not because i let myself fail but i have lost my dreams. I just wanted to get a stupid diploma and get out to work and i can't achieve this little thing. Seeing my ability of programming is like an infant that has yet to stand up. I don't blame my friends for not wanting me in their group. Staying here in sp will just pull my friends down and waste my time and i don't wanna pursuit on. I have always Obliged to my parents, not wanting to let them down but it happens their daughter is just fucking stupid to study. I wanna Cry. I wanna scream but i can only scream in me. Hit the wall in me. I blame no one but myself for this result of failure. Many a times i hate myself for letting my future become a blur. My songs sings of the lonliness that can never be freed by anyone. Trapped in this mortal body i wish i nv had. Why did this happen to me Lord? What have you planned for me ahead i do not know.
The price of abandoning Christ i guess. I am full of disappointment now ... The people i have met in secondary school, poly all has been let down. I see no light at the end of this tunnel. Silly how i was filled with hope when i first stepped into Poly hoping for a new start. Nothing even changes. It's a loop in life. I only blame myself for trusting. Not protecting myself.
Life story... my Life is a movie. A Sad movie. Yes! i am pathetic for feeling sorry for myself but how can i not after being tortured in primary school for teasing that carried on to secondary school. Tried to be a mediator and end up being abandon and blamed for the quarrels, ending in the whole group of so-called friends abandoning me. Tormented mentally by irritating calls just to scold me and call me names. Tellin me the leave my only best friends alone that she "Belonged" to them. Than in poly, being caught in a biasness becoz i chosen to befriend both group and be told to "burn in hell". Yes.. i will burn in hell. To the one that said this in her nick i wish you can put me in hell. At least putting me out of my misery with people. How can i trust anyone again. Sociable and bubbly my friends describe me. What a joke. I am nothing. I always felt invisible in others presence. Why will i ever want to be happy? Why did i try so hard to make my friends in school delighted when i know i am goin to be forgotten someday. I never put myself in first place and this torment me emotionally. Pathetic. Simply pathetic.
my life is so insignificant i feel sorry for my parents for having me this burden over their old breaking backs. I never was the one to be proud of. i know. but at least they have my brother to fall back on. I wanna be alone and disappear from here but patheticly i don't even have the money to do that. Depressed sorry... the only time i feel alive is when i am working and with my bf. I tried so hard to make my parents proud, to lead a happy life but i can't i just can't.
tommy i am so grateful to have you by my side after a fucking asshole tortured and scar my life. i am sorry you have a emotionally damaged gf. to those who care. i hope you guys gets the best. i will try to lead my meaningless life to the best i can while trying not to drown myself anymore. I'm sorry everyone for letting you guys down. Norain. i miss you this friend take care.
i yawned @ 1:29 PM;
