Friday, October 06, 2006
Went to class in a blur today... didn't get any sleep at all.. couldn't stop crying since the first lesson.. dun ask me why.. just couldn't do anything without thinking of "Matt"..
left class.. went to foodcourt.. no appeitte.. bought a bit of food.. couldn't finish for the first time.. went to get our drinks.. saw him.. he gave us the aweward look... turned away..
went back to our seats .. cried as we drink our drinks.. it was the worst time i had drinking.. ignored everyone as we left the foodcourt.. more crying beside the diagonal staircase.. like being trapped in my own cage.. i cried like no one is around.. all i can feel is the darkness in my life..
pushed myself to ITEC practical.. more crying in class.. went to the toilet several times to get tissue... wash off the tear marks.. but it seems everytime i do that.. i cry again.. how weak can i be .. at the end of practical .. i was tire from crying.. tot i would give myself a break and go home to sleep.. so i didnt go for JSPG practical..
reached home.. bathed.. laid on my bed.. couldn't sleep.. went to the living room.. and watch tv... more tears fall.. thoughts ran through my head.. his giggles.. his fun with us.. ruin.. by me.. if i had just take it that he is fine and not went to his house to ask him to stop acting in front of us.. we would have all been still friends.,. i put cara in this position.. it was my BRIGHT IDEA .. great choice ber! maybe trying to care is wrong.. maybe i am just busybody.. Hate me matt.. leave cara out of this.. dun do this to her.. ignore me.. i only need to see u guys happy.. thats all i wish for.. let me be the one who is miserable.. let me drown..
inflicting my hand on the walls.. i came up with some lame shit of how i hurt myself in a technical block with my friend to cover up for my bruises... hilarous isn't it? even my breakup wasn't half as torturing for me... i guess u nv know how much u value a person who is ard till u drove him away..
i just wanted the best for my friend.. maybe i should have just keep to my own shit.. fuck you ber! fuck u for making bad choices.. fuck you for ruining a great friendship .. fuck you for being a useless piece of crap... fuck you for not having the courage to take your own life
PIECES mind in a blank...
as i sat in class,
i just stared..
no idea of the on going in my surrounding..
my heart feels so heavy..
its tire..
tire of romance..
tire of arguement..
tired of being sober..
who do you reach for when you're falling apart?
why do you blame God?
are you like me?
are you regretting your creation?
i know i am..
though beautiful life can be..
i see more pain than pleasure..
pain i brought to others
and the pain i brought to myself..
Jesus pinned on the cross for me..
sorry my lord..
it is meaningless for me..
i am not worthy of your greatness..
receive me my lord as you will
may i please leave here?
i do not wish to inflict more pain on others..
its mentally torturing for me
i'm of no use here..
i'm falling apart...
like a mirror shattered by thousands of stones..
i'm beyond piecing...
sorry my parents
sorry for attitude...
sorry i can't love you enough to try to live on..
spiritually.. i am already died...
lost my smile in the wilderness...
i am a another zombify human
just like every other people
Pursue my dreams?
ha! big joke darling
big joke
i yawned @ 12:07 AM;
